Code Wars : Episode 8 (J /*+IEEE 802.11s*/)

Name: J /*+IEEE 802.11s*/ (Name changed to protect Identity).
Sex: Male Xdresser.
Age: Minor (I don’t do Minors… but Xdresser’s are exceptions).
Height: 5’ 10’’.
Brain:Body Mass = Can be categorically placed between Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals.

The first thing that would strike u when u meet this “jay” henceforth called (J) is the blouse that he wears… and if you are real lucky you would also find him wearing a blouse that has buttons on the Left.

K-gyan: For the under privileged… Girls blouses/shirts have buttons to the left where as the guys shirts have them sewn to the right... so its that time of the year again when u revisit the wardrobe and throw away the pink shirt that u had problems buttoning. In the case here it’s a black top. Don’t believe me… and think that the fact written is all BS?... read all about it here (http://www.marquise.de/en/themes/linksrechts.shtml)

Reality Check: Shepherd… we won and that too with a complete proof.

He is an ardent devotee of Govinda… a crappy Bollywood actor who has a wardrobe malfunction of the “G” kind in all of his movies (sadly I share my date of birth with his, but I guess you need to try real hard to be born under that fateful card…just for the heck of the rhyme) and keenly follows his gurus dressing sense to shame.

K-gyan: Wardrobe Malfunction: Wikipedia defines it as a euphemism used to describe the presumed accidental exposure, because of a defect attributed to an article or articles of clothing, of what would be considered an intimate part or parts of the body of their wearer. But what it fails to elaborate are the categories of wardrobe malfunctions, so I take over: Wardrobe malfunction falls into 4 broad categories viz: G, PG, 18 and R I will give a description of each in brief for the benefit of the denser readers who now readeth amongst us…
G- No intimate part exposed, just plain displeasing to the eye and prolonged exposure may cause cataract.
PG- Intimate parts exposed, but unrecognizable due to bad lighing/crappy direction or might be avoided due to plain distaste (a la ball scene in scary movie 3), prolonged exposure might actually prove that you are a freak.
18- Total tent pitching material, prolonged exposure causes wet dreams… and stiffness in some part of the body (I am just targeting guys here).
R- Gay Porn.

J is also a huge fan of “TH”… a footballer supposedly but was surprised as I later found out the identity … he has also dedicated his blog to the guy… but sadly for the footballer all that goes into his blog are how he screwed up cooking some ‘Halwa’ (http://th14.blogspot.com/2006/04/aruns-jalwa.html)

When approached for justification J cleared my misconception about what actually inspired him to name his blog thus, he justified that the th14 in his blog address actually stands for "Thirunelvelli Halva" which is meticulously prepared to perfection using 14 ingredients.… so much for the footballer… and now the article featured actually makes sense.

Any way, I was misled at the first go and looked up the footballer by the name Th14 and here’s what I found:
K-gyan : Thierry Daniel Henry (born August 17, 1977 in Les Ulis, Essonne, Paris) is a French football player and regarded as one of the top players in the world. He currently plays as a striker for the French national team, and for the English club Arsenal, where he is that club's all-time leading scorer in both league matches and all competitions.

Henry has been nominated twice for the FIFA World Player of the Year, both times finishing runner-up in 2003 and 2004. Also, he was named by Pelé as one of the top 125 greatest living footballers in March 2004.

Reality Check: Actually all texts that u see in the blog above, that are not in black font, are fillers, I know so little about this guy that I can put down in words that my repute of providing sustainable entertainment goes in for a toss.

J codes in Object oriented language… he feels that he can relate to objects better…and is extremely good at it; he also slogs to complete his work on time, primarily because he is one of the laziest guys in our team, but none the less manages to earn the appreciation from the manager in US for a job well done.

He has a typical Mallu Nariyalpani wala Hairstyle and looks ravishing in a lungi… his childlike curiosity sometimes lands him in a soup, like the time when he tried fabricating a lungi with a zip… And almost ended dry milling his nuts (in a subtle sense…).

For the ungyanned… k-gyan follows…get ready for a huge one

K-gyan: Wet Milling as opposed to dry milling mentioned above is the process of harvesting coir from cocoNUTS (Deliberate capitalization). Coir, the fibers present between the husk and the hollow are soaked in pits or in nets in a slow moving body of water to swell and soften them. The long bristle fibres are separated from the shorter mattress fibres underneath the skin of the nut, a process known as wet-milling eases out the coir without hurting the nut… Conversely… DRY MILLING HURTS.
If you still don’t get it go watch… “There’s something about Mary”… Ben Stiller had it easy there, if you still don’t get it… stop reading my blog.

Nariyalpani – Hindi for Coconut water,
Mallu – abbr for Malayali(ad) – a person speaking Malayalam.

J is also a great sport, but doesn’t know when to talk and when not to, his major problem is that he ends up playing his cards against the seasoned players and repents… as he would when he reads this blog… Well J u could have just played along with me… the challenging was all yours…

So here’s one on J, totally fabricated, Every part of the blog except the gyans are just figment of my imagination, I could have very well ended it without acknowledging this, but you see, I cannot sleep with a heavy heart… knowing that I have taken all my pleasure to screw this guy up.

Please give this mallu body builder… half a round of applause… you can save the other half for the day I actually profile him for the person he is….But for now he still owes me big time.

Code Wars : Episode 7 (Genesis 2:2)

shbiy`iy yowm 'elohiym kalah mla'kah `asah shabath shbiy`iy yowm mla'kah `asah.

Code Wars : Episode 6 (The Quick Gun… Murugan)

Name: B (Name changed to protect Identity)
Sex: Male
Age: Lieutenant General (The Second highest post in the Indian Army :))
Height: 5’ 10’’
Brain:Body Mass = A Tamilian.

K-gyan: To the ignorant, Tamilians (Thamizhians to be precise) are the most learned of all… we have the highest neuron density and can solve any problem in with the twinkle of an eye. P-earth featured in the blog earlier also belonged to this category and so does the author of the blog :).

I know for sure that writing a blog about my immediate superior at work, B , would not be getting me into a soup ( I might get loads of work… but no physical harm), for he is the greatest sport I have known.

Had he been a little more “sportier” he would be featuring in a sports blog instead of mine.

K-gyan: A sports blog (not to be confused with a sports bra), is a blog which has contents similar to one found here http://th14.blogspot.com and is generally maintained by a sports freak… who either follows the sport too closely and idolizes a sports person to be his god (as is the case here) or by news casters… they may also be owned by sports personalities themselves. (J-Ess u owe me big time for advertising your blog here…)

I know very little about my GL (Yes he is my GL, and is the same “GL” featured in the earlier blog) primarily because he is not very outgoing on his emotions, unless compelled or driven by passion for payback (which seldom is the case) and secondly because of a language barrier (reason being I don’t speak Tamil fluently and he doesn’t speak Hindi, and we are forced to converse in English, so its just work related conversation that takes place)

Personality wise he is a typical south Indian Don Juan, who is not afraid to make the first move, be it professional or personal and he generally comes thru without a mess. (To be taken literally… and in the broader sense)

For now, Ill stick to the professional side, Even though the personal front is much more interesting.

As already mentioned, he is our GL, and his responsibilities include but are not limited to (read on… you would understand the significance of this statement) managing a group , to keep them happy and once in a while elevating the alcohol content by Spiking water with Vodka.

But apart from the above mentioned sufficient conditions for a GL he also sees to it we, the team members, are knowledgeable in every possible project that our company has to offer, so that when the time comes, we can seamlessly replace any individual in any project irrespective of technology and business.

With a superior South Indian Brain this is very insignificant to comprehend, But in the course of action what he generally forgets is that he just has a handful of resources whose cranial capacity is working at his bus speed, and a large majority (I can count 1) reel under the stress and over clock their processors, and all that is left on the face is a priceless “Still Loading …..” expression.

K-gyan: Overclocking is the process of forcing a computer component (metaphorically referred to processors here) to run at a higher clock rate (Metaphor for “Think”) than designed or designated by the manufacturer (Metaphor for “GOD”). The major disadvantage arising out of it is that it has a risky potential to end in a failure ("heat death"). Most companies do not back up defunct units, which are a result of overclocking activities, in their warranties. (personally I love K-gyan… it lets me open up ).

His interests are varied and include Listening to SI music (SI = South Indian), Cooking, Partying, Vodka Drowning, Spiking Water, and the latest addition to the list Real Estates. This guy finances 50% of the properties, which are under development in the city; the other 50% are thru Banks and other financial institutions.

He is a great party animal and gels well with everyone in the team, He is a technical wizard who knows every single code that was ever written in our company, and can actually pinpoint the line number where you can find the required code snippet to reuse.

Having spent close to 5 years with the company, he also has a lot of friend’s world wide (there is not one place, where a sane visitor would travel, that he hasn’t got a friend…).

Justification: With my blogs being more popular with the denser crowd… I need to get into the minutest detail of everything… had I not written the line above, I would have definitely got a mail asking me if my GL has a friend in “Jhumritalaiya”.

He generally is fearless when it comes to getting a project for the team , generally gets it and sees it thru (With such a great team it is very difficult “not” to meet the schedule on time… and after shepherd’s departure… well it had stayed that way… no hard feelings sheph) . That is one of the reasons that our PM is so keen on having him with the project, that all of his onsite objectives have now been reset.

He is an ardent devotee of Super Star Rajanikanth, and he shares his fan base with 61.5 million + Thamizhians who watch in awe as the “Baasha” outruns a bullet to save his mother.

K-gyan: 61.5 million + : The actual population of Tamil-nadu as per google (www.google.com ) on 3rd July 2003, “+” accounts for all other fans not covered in the definition above.

Politically he has an inclination towards AIADMK and “amma” (We can’t blame him here… amma is so healthy… having feasted on long grained south Indian rice that half of Tamil nadu is Inclined towards Poes Garden.).

K-gyan: AIADMK: All India Anna Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (Why they have the first 2 words in English… beats me…)
Poes Garden: Amma’s residence.

I thought that I did not have enuff knowledge about my GL but by the looks of this blog, I definitely know him a lot better than I had thought of earlier.

Please put your hands together for “The person who everyone would die to accompany for lunch… (Pi included :) )” (I am sorry B… couldn’t resist holding this back…)… The Most helpful and the most respected GL in the entire project … always to “B” ….

Code Wars : Episode 5 (Pi – The Rationale)

Name: Pi (Name changed to protect Identity)

Sex: Male

Age: General (The highest post in the Indian ArmyJ)

Height: 6’ 1’’

Brain:Body Mass = Is an MBA. (Need I say more? help me out here… let ur imagination run wild)

I don’t really know into how much “hot water” this profile would be getting me into, but none the less I really feel that if I don’t profile this person, I would leave this blog wanting…

Pi as he is lovingly called (other variants are Paai – by southies including me , Piee – by Maharashtrian’s and “Phai” by himself during telecon’s, so the actual three lettered verbiage seldom makes an appearance) is the heart of the project ( I was about to write “Brain” and then realized that its us who do the coding… so gave him the most important part of the human viscera). Put in simple words… he sees to it that all of us are occupied with fruitful work that can be billed to the client and none of us takes up writing blogs for a living.

(Now that I think of it... I can actually call this blogging of mine “lighter vein Profiling” First coined by me on the 30^th of July 2006, and rake in some moolah all the while…Note to self: Take this up seriously).

Now for his hobbies, he is an avid reader an even avid borrower (of books… I am now certain that my book has been formally shredded, and mailed to my residence address…, that I have touched his frayed nerve ending… that’s what ppl refer to in Hindi as “dukhti rakht par pair rakhna”) , he is also into jokes, but he enjoys being on the listening end as opposed to the cracking, in which I find immense pleasure (immense doesn’t even come close…I actually mean immenserererer), so our lines never cross… he enjoys (or at least pretends to enjoy) the joke that I crack…(lest I make him the subject of the next joke…) what ever be the case, he pulls it off quite well.

He is an M.B.A professionally (Master of Business Administration) and personally (Married, But Available) and that is what knits us together as a team… we get to check out babes with our PM. (note to self: Remove this)

The subject that he “Mastered” in his masters was “The art of Motivation” , One might think that it a real good subject to do a masters in… but unfortunately for us, the book contained only a single chapter i.e. “The Carrot and stick approach”.

To the un-gyaaned: (wikipedia offers no solace here, so I have resorted to a different website: http://adtimes.nstp.com.my/jobstory/jun26a.htm)

K-gyan: A very widely known motivational concept is the “Carrot and Stick” approach. Many managers see motivation in terms of this notion and so their efforts to motivate is limited to asking the question; should I bribe people or simply threaten them? However, when put into practice, this concept is found to be more complicated than this…. More available at the website.

The classical approach is to hit with a “stick” when one falters and reward with a “carrot” on doing good work, but he has adapted to the situation quite well and has implemented the approach with the carrot tied to the end of the stick as shown in the image below…

The good thing in this approach is you actually get the carrot on performing well… and the bad thing…the “carrot” here is not a metaphor.

I have never felt so free with any of the PM’s that I have ever worked with, and neither have I had such strong opinions (read cared enuff) about them so as to pen it down.

The reason being all male PM (and prospective male PM’s… I am being specific so that some day if they do go thru the blog… they can identify themselves) in my earlier company were all… lets say “their mommy was a female dog”

After working for Pi, I would not even think of getting my project changed to something that is not managed by him, whatever is the incentive, and most of my team mates would be supportive of the fact, as they think on the same lines. (Note to readers: this is not a kiss up; will let you know when I am kissing up, and boods I am excusing you)

Overall he is a great sport (which you might have guessed by now… if you are reading this in my blog… if you have received this thru a mail… he is not such a great sport after allJ), he is a great listener… (gurls u will be impressed to meet this great guy… only thing that might bother you a little, is that he stuffs cotton into his ear… but that’s a personal choice… and I draw a line between personal and professional life… my blog, as u see, is strictly professional.) And is all ears and more importantly acts upon your opinions and suggestions. He is also defendant of his resources and lets no one lift a finger on us…

Now for the downside for the guy… he excels in all fields but at the same time cannot bear a hurt ego… he goes to the extent of purchasing a car to set his ego right… but this in no way impedes the relation ship the project shares with this guy, we don’t mind that… (by we I am collectively referring to the entire project members) all males have issues with ego and we are good as long as we don’t need to bear the financing of the car with part of our take home salary/bonus, plus we get additional free transportation for parties.

It’s well over 2 pages that I have started describing this guy, and I still have a lot to cover up before I finally end this.

You can discuss on any subject with this guy… from the “Birds and the bees” talk to “technical” to downright “financial”, he knows every subject there is to discuss… (He is quite talented u see… no sarcasms here)

The reason why he makes such a good “Boss” is that he is an opportunity seeker, always on a look out for better opportunities (both in-site and onsite) for every member of his team, well almost everyone (except for a few GL’s … to be dead precise.. 1 GL).

K-gyan: GL (Acronym for group leader): Is an Individual who manages a group… sheesh… how much denser do people get here.

As a man his age (I am in no way hinting that he is Old… no sarcasms here either) his dance moves can put a 20 year old to shame. And my… does he move…, he even has a trademark move called “The pelvic gyration a la Pi”, which is just plain awesome considering the fact that he is not a yoga instructor, well…not at least to our knowledge…

K-gyan: The pelvic gyration a la Pi: a classical dance step which when done with a girl “sans clothing” can guarantee u a kid in nine months J. Don’t even bother looking this up in Wikipedia…

K-gyan-addendum:

For the dense..er who walke’th amongst us the “sans clothing” in the gyan above is applicable to both the dancers and not just to the girl…and discounts for any infertility issues… just when you think that things couldn’t be any worse.

Finally to sum him up in four words:

“He is the best” … believe me (I need not even put this in words... cause my salary revision is all done…, but the truth prevails and this is it. Every one in our team would agree upon.. At least the people profiled…)

Well after reading all this I know what people would be wondering, at least my peers back in my office… and that would be… “Does this get me any vouchers…” to be frank… I really don’t know… but shoppers stop is real close to ma home… (Wink Wink)

Put ur hands together for this man with the “ratio(nale)” hidden in his name and who is always available for intelligent discussions (now I realize why he used to avoid me all the time) , give it up to π… and this closes the circle of my project… well almost.

Code Wars : Episode 4 (Ghauri – The nuke)

Name: Ghauri (G) (Name changed to protect Identity)
Sex: Lets say… has a torpedo in his pants…go figure out
Age: Major (But looks quite young for his age… )
Height: 5' 8"
Brain:Body Mass = Proportionate. (Do you know how much pain it is to come up with different ratios every single profile?.. you think that’s easy… come be my guest blogger.)

Ghauri…“The nuke” of the team has a very explosive personality, and you can actually hear the explosions if the environment is really conducive. (Conducive environment constitutes of a starved Ghauri, Black Chick peas in the cafeteria and a pin drop silence 1 hr after the lunch) even in case you miss the explosion (generally he attempts to implode it… but is unsuccessful most of the time) you would hear the lift off signal from him… the code word for lift off is “kaun tha?” with the surprised look on his innocent face.

But don’t be ever deceived by his looks and take him for granted, for if he expects the work to be completed by you, and if you slip the target… he would probably screw u so hard, you would end up with nappy rashes at places you would have least imagined. So steer clear of this individual when it comes to work.

The nuke, unlike my other friends, is from Dehli, and any inappropriate comment on dehli babes is enuff to send this guy into a frenzy, and his dense mode takes over and he would go to any extent to defend the babes of his hometown.

He is probably the only guy who falls in love at the drop of a hat: All of his romantic escapades are described in brief.

Well you don’t expect to see them here do you?… go check out his brief collection… 1 per escapade… and my…. The first time i entered his house I thought he had brought me to some wholesale chhadi bazaar (there were so many varieties that Ms Lewinsky would have had the day of her life selecting a memento).
So you can take my word for it that this guy gets more action that he can take (and some ppl are blunt enuff to tell to his face that he got more than what he deserved, who said to whom is a huge secret)

Until the day I met him, I used to believe that the sight in “Love at first sight” is generally pleasing to the eye, but after the day I met his crush I realized that there is more to love than that meets the eye… this missile is definitely a heat seeker and take my word for it.

K-gyan: Wikipedia describes Heat seeker as follows: Anything which uses infra-red seeking are often referred to as "heat-seekers". Infra-red (IR) is just below the visible spectrum of light in frequency and is radiated strongly by hot bodies. Many objects such as vehicle engines and aircraft generate and retain heat, and as such, are especially visible in the infra-red wavelengths of light compared to objects in the background.

Now that I have taken pains to Bold and italize the word of utmost importance in the description above, you might very well imagine the amount of heat that the person in context used to generate, (Believe me, she used to generate enuff heat to fry off all the hair from my and boods body… if you are wondering who she was… trust me… she’s better un-known… for once known “sweet dreams” loses its meaning).

Only point that we used to agree on this specimen was, that we both used to think that she was “mirror cracking” material, Poor ghauri, to this day he thinks that its a metaphor for "good looking".

As for the technical front of this guy, he is the key resource in the project that he works on. He is versatile in most languages… except at times, in English… can’t blame him, he would have been good if we had been coding in English all the while.

His greatest fear comes from knowing that HS has a undisclosed soft corner for him. He is constantly picking upon Boods and ends up successfully running away proving the point that “a lean mean machine” can have many advantages other than the word (three letters beginning with S) that has been skipped in the phrase.

He is at the receiving end of all comments in the group and is intelligent enuff to accept them without being judgmental about it. In short “a great sport”.

He is the Second most helpful person when it comes to personal favors (I top).

One more peculiar habit of his, that can be attributed to his royal upbringing in delhi, is that he is intimately attached to his throne. Now that he is no longer in his kingdom, he yearns for a decent throne… that is one of his top criteria when looking out for a new home… the last place where he lived … if I remember correctly, did not have one… and that was the year when our company had a lot of issues with “core dumps”.

He has had his share of wonderful moments when he used to share his flat with a “lets say for pure phonetic pleasure” a Pun with a Bun (PWB henceforth). One night he actually came close losing his company (Now a "Sir Richard Branson" enterprise) to an UnBunned Pun… Since that day he sleeps alone in a locked room.

His varied interests range from oogling (extra “o” for extra pleasure) at girls, oogling at guys, oogling at his bai and (just for the rhyme of it... oogling at “the constant in the area of the circle”).
This is just the kind of guy who would give anyone the run for his money… (Take me seriously here, he picks u money and runs….)

Ladies and gentleman, please pucker up and plant a wet sloppy one on this guy… trust me… you wouldn’t be disappointed.

Code Wars : Episode 3 (The White Adder)

(Well it’s actually “The white ladder”)

Name: Her Shah (HS) (Name changed to protect Identity)
Sex: Female (Sex changed to accent name)
Age: Major (And if you account for the height… well… it stays the same… who ever said anything about age being dependant on size… geez… I am surrounded by morons.)
Height: 6' 3"
Brain:Body Mass = long int.

He is probably the quietest guy in our team, with a great attitude. He is the most calm and composed when it comes to coding, a great sport who does not feel shy exposing his legs once in a while for the gurls to oogle at.

HS is generally shy when if comes to the matter of the heart (comme moi et boods, c’est vrai, je parle et ecrit francais tres bien, merci … don’t even bother to understand this… its in French…) and keeps his friends to himself. We however do suspect that he does have a babe and the reason for the suspicion is the frequent flyer points that he has collected from traveling to Hyderabad.

HS generally follows the top down approach of analysing things and has a higher view of details , with 6’ of elevation; it’s difficult to view any thing base up. He generally refrains from commenting on anyone/anything while we go on a suicidal rampage (Note: suicidal for the person we are commenting on and rampage for us), but when he finally comments the outcome is so great that the person commented upon never looks back in the eye.

Though not obvious, this is one cool guy who drinks, smokes and makes hay while the sun shines. He has an undisclosed soft corner (What is undisclosed is the location of the soft corner) for “Ghauri – the nuke” (up next on ma blog… read all about him) and goes go-go on seeing ghauri sporting a Crock… (Intentionally abbreviated).

He has a passion for learning stringed musical instruments and is a quick reference when it comes to syntax in COBOL. As for the technical aspects of him... You need to send across a self-addressed stamped envelope at this address …(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Address masked to protect identity).

We (as in me and HS) share a lot in common, one of the most distinct things is that we resemble each other, ppl generally mistake me for him and vice versa , even after taking into account the fact that he is a good 6 inches taller than me… well coding in COBOL makes people denser.. It’s an occupational hazard that we live thru.

The other thing that we share in common is that both of us have a “/dev/null” salary account. I never knew that they had such accounts at my bank ... that is until it was too late...

For the sake of the common man, here’s Wikipedia to the rescue:

K-gyan: In Unix-like operating systems, /dev/null or the null device is a special file that discards all data written to it, and provides no data to any process that reads from it (it returns EOF). In Unix programmer jargon, it may also be called the bit bucket or black hole.

The null device is typically used for disposing of unwanted output streams of a process, or as a convenient empty file for input streams. This is usually done by redirection.

In simpler terms, the account actually flushes out our salary before we could even catch a glimpse of it.

I don’t have much to write about this awesome guy…given the fact that he is not much of a prank player… so ppl put your hands together for this steadfast friend, Her Shah….

Code Wars : Episode 2 (The Flatulence Extempore)

Name: BoodBooda (also referred to as BurrBurra by the dehliyites.. Spelling errors intended)
Sex: Male
Age: Major (Qualifies to run for the post of the president… but "walks" actually.)
Height: 5' 10"
Brain:Body Mass = A large number (at all times other than 6:00 am/pm suffers from a classical case of semi-sardar-no-turbanisis, which causes his bell to ring at 6 instead of the predestined 12). His number is affected by 2 facts… 1. He does not sport a turb… due to which his projected brain size is reduced… and 2. He gulps beer by the gallon resulting in very distinctly projected Body mass.

There is not one party that goes by where he (hence forth called lovingly as boods) does not bring up the mention of booze, as u see 80% of his body mass is filled with the frothy golden liquid (and by frothy golden liquid i mean beer ... this explanation is for the ppl with narrow minds and even narrower attitude towards life).

Well boods is in no way narrow(mentally as well as physically)... you would have to redefine narrow to wide in order for him to fit the title (COBOL jargon... non techs please excuse).

Over all he is one fun loving guy who potrays a general sense of dis satisfaction at the way the company treats him...always getting into trouble with "the constant in the calculation of the area of a circle" (project specific chipher... needs a double digit IQ to dechipher, if you are not a person from the same project as boods... dont even bother to check your IQ).

Technically he is a tester ( i wanted to name this episode "the testis done (Intentionally spelt without a space)" but then changed it to the thing that he more often indulges in...) but he spends more time drinking, oogling at babes, swimming, creating wave pools for the ppl in the swimming pool and his patented talent of creating a jaccuzzi in the bath tub... than the amount of time spent in testing.

The guy has the memory of at least 10TB (999Gb in his PC and the rest on his head) and he distinctly remembers all the data for the test cases and tests are done in a breeze.

He is shy when it comes to gurls... well as a matter of fact we both are... I some how think that he has a JAT gene somewhere.

For those of us who dont have a clue who Jats are, here’s Wikipedia to the rescue:
" The Jats/Jatts (Hindi: जाट,Punjabi: ਜੱਟ, Urdu: جاٹ) of Northern India and Pakistan, are descendants of Indo-Aryan tribes.
In India, they inhabit the states of Punjab, Haryana, Rajasthan, Delhi, Uttar Pradesh, Madhya Pradesh, and Gujarat. In Pakistan, they are found in the provinces of Punjab and Sindh.
The Jats ,like most South Asians,are mostly farmers;however they are also found in many other professions. A large number of Jats serve in the Indian Army, including the Jat Regiment, Rajputana Rifles, Sikh Regiment and the Grenadiers, among others.
The Jat regions in India are among the most prosperous on a per-capita basis (Haryana, Punjab, and Gujarat are among the wealthiest of Indian states).”

Put in a subtle way they are dense individuals inhabiting the northern flange of the Indian subcontinent who also share the same problem of expressing their love for ppl. They are so dense that they kill each other over a girl and the girl does not even have the faintest idea that she is a WMD.

But our dear boods is not so fierce, as a matter of fact we had the crush on the same female in our company… aware of his “gene” I entered into a “graceful exit” treaty with him… saved my skin…

K-gyan: graceful exit: a concept highly beneficial in the “single Phool multiple maali” environments where the other maalis agree to throw down their Fawdas and walk away if the phool falls for a maali. (One note of caution: The Fawda remains as long as the phool remains in the tree)

If you are wondering abt who the girl fell for… she probably ran away with some one from her own batch… (Don’t worry boods, she doesn’t have a clue what she has missed ;), that is apart from the free Jacuzzi)

I guess I have covered all aspect of the flatulence extempore and provided the readers with some gyan in the process... ( i always give importance to the process of imparting gyan... for gyan is what makes the world go round, without gyan.. well ppl would make it go elliptical)

The reason why I was in a position to write a lot abt this person is because we share a lot of things in common (except for unmentionables , not that we are judgemental about it, but purely because of size constraints… his is too large for me and mine hardly fits him ;) )

Put your hands together for the round faced, beer guzzler…boodbooda.

Code Wars : Episode 1 (The Macro Flasher)

Before I begin to describe my friends, I would like to clarify that every one featured in the blog were asked to respond to a mail with the contents similar to the one below and on receiving a favorable reply they were included in the same.
The mail went somewhat like this

" I am kicking off a new topic in my blog and i need to know ur willingness to be a part of it. please reply back with "I don’t mind... go ahead and s**** me in your blog" in the subject line if you don’t mind being written about or "Why don’t you go to the loo… Pull down your pants and love yourself" as the subject if you do not wish to be written about... “(Contents might have been edited to suit all tastes).

I have received quite a few replies with the first option, so starting off without much ado... the Macro Flasher.

Name: P-earth (also Stars in one of the earlier topics)
Sex: Male
Age: Major (I don’t do minors ;) its against the law)
Height: 5' 10"
Brain:Body Mass = ∞

That is the class of this person... has an infinite brain to Body mass ratio, thanks to his body mass that is nearly equal to nothing.

Strengths: he can walk java, talk Java, laugh Java because Java is a very Funny language.. He is dangerous when he starts to talk java under the influence of kaapi, he also Flash’es (the macromedia variant)

Weaknesses: Apart from lack of physical strength (Aka Brawns ) we (including me) don’t have any weaknesses, subtly put we believe in "Brains better than brawns" and believe that all goons fit in the general Hindi movie goonda variety and are generally Fat and could easily be outrun. (That’s the reason for us maintaining a strict regime)
(Note to self: Write abt P-earth... )

What makes p-earth stand apart is his uncanny sense of inviting the axe to his foot. He unknowingly converts deadlines to unrealistic deadlines (as a matter of fact he corrects unrealistic deadlines of the good variety to the one that is actually bad)

Tech Info: Unrealistic deadlines (ud) come in 3 flavors viz: good, bad and ugly. The good ud is the one in which the time is planned to be in excess of the actual efforts required. the bad ud is one in which one needs to put in the max required work hrs every day for the planned period (in my company 9) and the ugly ud is the one in which ppl need to slog on saturdays and sundays to finish the task in the planned time frame.

In case of P-earth he amazingly convinces and belittles the task which to him (read java guroo) is a mere 5 min, sets the time frame accordingly and coolly quits the project and hands the task to a fresher who reels under ud of the ugly kind.

It’s kinda funny to us since we are not affected by it in any way and also because we are bold enuff to revisit and extend the deadline... poor fresher has no chance. (the fresher usu quits or resorts to medications of the "grass" variant)

With such a huge Brain to BM (body mass) ratio;ideas come naturally to him, java ideas are one thing but what makes the others dread him is that nothing is alien to his brain... he churns ideas in every field by the dozen... he probably has a lot of opposition at the "idea meets" but he generally comes thru and some scapegoat reels under the knife.

On the personal front he eats shoots and leaves (a true vegetarian) who reels at the mention of an egg (he may boast that he has had eggs in the past... he is not lying... actually he remembers his past birth quite vividly all due to the grace of his infinite (B:BM) ) he thrives well on vegetation of any kind, he sleeps well knowing that he has not harmed any living creature.

On a more personal front, he is a guy who writes poems on love but doesn’t accept the fact that someday he might find someone "jo uski dil ki ghanti bajayegi" (had to have this in Hindi for the pure phonetic pleasure).

We used to try convincing him otherwise, but he revealed to us the qualities that he expects his “would be” should possess and we were convinced that he is not going to fall in love for at least the next two births.

For our satisfaction we had an excel sheet filled with the information of prospective single girls and tried to apply P-filter on it: here’s the result. (The sheet originally contained 150 rows of hand picked data)

She must be a girl (ok… we never thought that u were straight) 100 rows selected. (Whoa there were guys in the sheet… I knew I shouldn’t have asked shepherd to fill in the selection)
She must be a Tamilian girl. 50 rows selected.
She must be an Iyer Tamilian girl 30 rows selected.
She must be a vegetarian. 20 rows selected.
She must know to cook South Indian food. 10 rows selected.
She must know to sing Tamil songs. 5 rows selected.
She must know all devotional songs sung by MS Subbalakshmi by heart. 1 row selected.
We were happy that we have found him a match. But we rejected her… reason: she was 80 years old.

What ever I might have written in this blog, one thing is for sure he never gets angry at any of the pranks that we pull on him… and he is only dangerous when he speaks caffeinated Java.

Put your hands together for the Macro Flasher (Macromedia + Flash + Coder).

Ground work...

I work for a Software Company located in Pune, and no its not the one run by an indian, as a matter of fact i was working for an indian IT company a few years back, was plain fed up of the office politics that existed there and i quit... have never been happier.

The company that i am presently employed in is one swell employer, great pay, good decent CODING work, conducive work environment, flexible timings and a great group of peers who make working here a breeze... (if only my friends felt the same abt me :))

Agreed that my company does not invest in infrastructural flamboyance (here after referred to as IF) as some Indian IT cos, it is a good sign as i am assured discreetly that i would be working as a software engineer as long as i am with the company.

My greatest fear with the company that invests in "I.F." is that some day when the second generation takes control of the administration, they might actually turn the company into a hotel (hotels rake in abt 700% of profit, much more than what is possible in IT) and with campuses in almost all states of India...Wohooo... its Sea food instead of C and MSM (Mysore Masala) instead of MSN (the messenger).

The employees are retained... where in the world would they find so many fresh talents... (where even 2 live KT's could get u into the company). Only the course in the Leadership Institute (IL) changes. the employees also retain their designation... an SE would remain an SE, only the meaning changes SE now is "Sambhar Expert" the other designations follow suit. (NOTE to self: You tangent off Exceptionally well).

So now that my worst fear is taken care of, i get to code in an environment that is not only friendly but also caters to my overall growth and guess what... i also get to blog about it.. not in my working hours though..

Now for My peers who would be holding the center stage in this blog one at a time, i dont really know how many episodes will be written but i plan to begin with the intorduction and overall characteristics of each one of them and then increase the gamut to cover them all in one single work environment. we would also have guest-appearances from projects across, but they would be introduced as and when they come.

So heres setting the stage for a great performance...
The Writer.

A New Beginning.

After my good friend left for dubai, this blog needed a new subject, it took me all this while to think about what would make an interesting as well as a hilarious read and i have reached to the conclusion that i would write about my peers in India.

The person would not be directly referred to in the writeup but none the less would be entertaining enuff for both who know them and those who dont.

Looking for the first victim...

What he wrote and what he meant...

Hi all,

Hi my dear Friend Smoooch…

I know all of you were expecting this email and maybe some were really hoping for it J Please say it isn’t so… my Shift + 9 is not working so I used shift + 0

Well, your wish has been granted today is my last day at amdocs. Please make me stay… I don’t have a clue how I would be able to satisfy all those camels… they really hurt… esp the male ones….

I am off to pursue my mba and fine tune my highly trained MBA mind ( those of you who have read YABDTDM's(Name changed to protect identity) blog would know what i am talking about ) I am running short of words so I borrow from blog…

Its been a great year and has been wonderful working with all you people. ( i am sure you must be asking yourself right now, when did he actually work?) A figment of truth… a desparate attempt to please jesus… and get a RAC (Read Reservation Against Cancellation and not RACK) in heaven… (note to self… Jesus is not aware of abbreviations )

Its sad that i did not fulfill my wish of feeding P-earth ( Name changed to protect identity) some mutton, i hope one of you will do it for me J ( Censored : Mail Rating : G)

I have made some great friends here whom i would not want to forget. (And some I’d rather… u see I need a lot of empty space in my head…esp the one on top of my shoulders, so I’d do away with the memories of the ones with tight t-shirts… and un-pierced belly buttons… not necessarily in that order….. now that I think of it … that’s just one guy I eliminated… don’t worry … I’ll remember u all )

Pls stay in touch at ( I wanted to use please keep touchin… but remembered that Mail rating : G)

( quite appropriate dont you think!!!) Mail Ids…

Ciao,

Shepherd (Name Changed to protect identity)

Adieu... My bro..

Thats all folks... i myself wasnt expecting the end so soon... but the current work environment is not conducive to blogging and i am expecting at least a 3 months worth of unconducive environments ... sanity included...

None the less.. i would like to wish my very good friend and the subject of this blog so far all the very best for his studies in Dubai..

Will seriously miss u Mate... and in case you manage to save a bit in Dubai... u kno what to do with it...

Wishing u all the best and hoping that the day never comes when we get to see camels scrapping in your Orkut.

Chill and remember... camels are not a good substitute and oww... they do kick hard...

Jumma chumma de de...

...Its jumma day... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx (text edited to suit all tastes) unsuspecting khalayen to be smothered by the chummas of ze great Indian stud... yes that's me.

Now that i check the meaning of the "K" word... i would like to replace the same with Nisa' meaning women. Not that i dont prefer Khalayen, but Nisa' sounds appealing... in a pitching tent sort-a-way.

So i wait for the loud speakers to blare... and as soon it does i head out into the streets with nothing but my flowery shorts and a t-shirt on... i carry a bottle of water, and head off to the nearest chemist to get some lip balm and camel hide con-domes... thats how they are called here...

He charges me 5 dinars for a one pack... on questioning he replies that camel hide CD's could be reused time and again .. all that you need to do is soak it in a can of crude oil overnight and it would be supple and good as new.

I ask him where i would get a can of crude.. he replies... sir... u r sitting on top of the crude oil nation of the world... just dig a hole in your back yard and u would have enuff to recycle con-domes for the entire city...

I leave him and head off towards town...

....entering town....

The town looks deserted except for 2 camels and a few goats humping away to glory...

i move further into the town... it still looks deserted to me... then my refined MBA mind intervenes.. "U idiot... u r in a desert... how else is it supposed to look like?" i register the fact and move on... hoping to nail my debu(t)rkha.

...time passes... its noon and no sign of my premier Nisa'.

I enter a hotel for lunch... The waiter approaches...

I ask him for a menu...
...Following conversation in Hindi since the waiter did not understand english... apologies...

W(waiter): Haan sahab... Kya khidmat karoon aap ki?
M(me): Zara batana kya khaas hain khane mein?
W: Aaj ki khasiyat hain.. OOnt ka maas aur Bakri paneer.
M:Aur shakhahari kya hai...
W: (Guffaws... laughs uncontrollably)
M: Kya hua...
W: Shakhahari... mein sookhe khajoor ka shorba aur kale khajoor ka burfi milegaa..

I order one veg meal... not filling enuff... but i save my shekels and continue on my hunt...

...Its 7 at night now... i dont have the faintest idea why the town is without any activity.. and i am too tired to figure it out any way.... i head back to my shack.. would probably drown a beer ..jack off and call it a day... so much for 5 dinars...

... Jumme ko tod diya chhume ka wada..... a la big B.

Do bhai...

Ahh... what a pain... (a terrible hang over... i pop a pill) and doze off...

..... time passes...

i finally wake up... go thru my scratching ritual... look around...
... dont recollect any thing... my head aches.. must be the hot Turkish delight that i had yesterday.

...still looking around... Brown mud walls... a window... a hallway opening into another room, I hear voices comming from the adjacent room... I gather my strength... well what evers remaining and trudge to the other room.

I enter the room and am greeted with three As-salaam-wal-eikum's.. i do a quick semi string reverse and reply back.. the 3 kifaya clad lads seem amused with my knowledge of urdu... dont blame them for being ignorant... if only they watched more hindi movies... they could have known more urdu vocab themselves.

I head to the hammam... to complete my morning ablutions. My Head still aches... both of them... i dip myself in a tub of cold water and dose off...

I must have relaxed for around 10 min when i am suddenly awakened by a soft nuzzle... i wake up and see 4 camels surrounding me and lapping away to glory.. Disoriented as i was it doesnt take my refined MBA mind to realise that i had accidently taken a bath in the camels water tank. why they have it inside my room i dont really know.( but i would soon realise, my Mth sense tells me).

I walk out to the main hall, one Kifaya clad lad seems to have left, the remianing are drooling all over my semi unclothed body (I was wearing 3 socks... what .. dont judge me.. if it was a scorching 58 degrees in india... they would have made 3 socks a national dress in summer).

I dont like their look ( no the drool doesnt bother me... it just evaporates before touching ground zero), so i wear my flowery shorts... (10 NIS... those were the days) and a vest. The drooling and the steam stops.

I get my self formally introduced, they introduce themselves as brothers , Ziyad and Tamir.. and wink at me. Tamir adds "in case you look up the meaning of my name... i would like you to know i am carrying mine" and winks again.

I check back later for the meaning of their names at http://www.ummah.net/family/masc.html
Ziyad : Super Abundance
Tamir : One who owns date palm tree... ("i am carrying mine" echoes all over my mind...)

I rush to the nearest blacksmith and customise a steel unmentionable... head over to the nearest lock smith and get a lazer cut key and a lock, i burn my socks and check out of the hostel to the nearest hotel... lest Z and T harm my anmol ratans.

My Mth sense was wrong this time as it always was... i dont have a clue what the camels were doing inside the room. But i am here to spend my next 6 months... would probably figure out in due course. I am sore... and the steel unmentionable is not helping.

Will continue later....

Ain Alhamaam ?

I reach the central terminal hall,

and am suddenly urged by natures call;

I start to tread with the pressure building on...

Just hoping in time, I would locate Sir John.

The airports full of Arabic scriptures,

When they very well could have used pictures,

Finally I locate my very own…

Dubai Al burj’s the “Golden Throne”

My pants come off, I am commando,

I look at the mirror and do a little tango,

I reposition cautiously once again…

And let all go…Amen.

I am now done with my deed,

Back up my legs my pants recede,

I walk back out with a relieved face,

And a very happy thankful base.

I head out into the open, my chauffeurs here,

Holding in his hand a golden beer,

I run and plant him with a kiss,

Drown the golden fluid…life’s such bliss.

I enter the car, all happy and light,

And seated in is (Mamma mia) a Turkish delight.

I don’t know if I’d continue this blah,

Cause my “harnois” is defying Newton’s Law.

Oye.. She's...

The Plane jerks... (t'was full of them )

I wake up and stretch half across my seat, give myself a good scratch... nothing feels good like a good ol' scratch on your good ol' object with a spherical shape (wanted to keep my Blog rating: G)

i look around and the air hostess is giving me a nasty under the boorkha look, i make out from her eyes that she would be probably 23, with vital statistics of 24-32-24 probably 5'6'' fair and would make for a good ol ride for my good as new tool (Rated : G).

You must be wondering how am i able to deduce all this impeccable information, the fact is i have been enjoying the company of an MBA colleague for quite some time now, and apart from the regular enjoyment that i regularly enjoy, i also make it a point to read a book with a post coital cigar, that way u "discover" while u "re-cover".

i press the knob on top of my seat and she approaches eyeing me with caution, i guess it must have been the tent and the drool that had given my intentions away. None the less she approaches and addresses me for my demand.

Knull... Knull... my mind screams... but i fight all desires and demand for a mug of beer.

Tauba..Tauba.. sirjee we dont deal drinks over the plane and hard drinks are prohibited in the holy land of dubai... they de-capitate u if they find you indulging in any kind of hard drink, or drinks/solids that induce hardness. So please if you would fold down ur tent and wipe off the drool , ill be off.

I am wide awake now, (tent unpitched) my mind races in all directions only to find mirages of beer bottles with holes, who in their right senses would bother wasting ALCOHOL.

As one of my friends used to say, we should be worshipping Al'cohol , this is the binding fluid that makes friends out of foes and helps you find out your true identity, it can be hurting the first time your friend loves you, but after you realise your true happiness its just another pain in the Posterior. (Rated: G)

So i figure out that this chick of the plane knows nothing about the rules that the men make and follow and she probably has been brought up in a very conservative family, my highly trained MBA mind helps me deduce stuff out of the blue.

She passes and i wink, she gives me a smile, a coy sweet one, i am engaged (Rated: G)

She motions me to the airline restroom, and enters it, i look around ...steamy... most of the sheiks are busy dreaming about their dromedaries, or their goats.. i am not judging.. i gently lift my can of vaseline, the time has finally come for it to be used the way it was meant to be. without a noise i enter the RR.

....Silence.... darkness.....

i feel around... there she is... aah.. her...... nopes its just the throne... i look around feeling the wall for a light switch... i find one and switch on the lights.


.....I SCREAM.... on top of my voice.... blood curdling in my veins... I gather my treasure my bottle of vaseline... and rush to my seat where all the sheiks are now as disoriented as me , and the pilot has woken up and is negotiating the directions for landing amidst a desert.

My hartbeat races to 190...

Bzz.. ladies and ghuntleman, we are now reaching dubai al burj we shall be landing shortly provided the landing gears come out (guffaws....)

i lighten up... perspiration weilding over my scared face... i keep looking at the RR, it opens and 2 pairs of green eyes look towards me, i look down.

Ping... the fasten seatbelt sign lights up...

The plane lands with all the jerks...

I run out at the first oppurtunity ... gasping for fresh air.

I recollect all of my deductions that my finely trained MBA mind has made during the flight and i only realise this, there are exceptions to be handled everywhere and freaks come in all shapes and sizes.

and Pictures do speak louder than words...


My Variant of the hostess...

http://www.themakeupgallery.info/weird/beard/dw.htm

RASwoooooooooosh...

The pilots are in, the overhead speaker crackles...

Bzz... Ladeeez und ghuntleman, deez eez ur captain sheikh Age old onion espeaking (i did not get it the first time either) U are aborad Raslan50, Ze weatheeer is Fine and we will be reaching dubaai Al burj in aproximately 4 hrs minimum from now, provided zere are no terrorists in the plane and both engines remain functional throughout the flight (followed by guffaws, sadistic ediot, almost sent my bp to 200) , May Allah and Mohammad (PBUH) be with all of us during ze journey.

Bzz... Khalayen aur Khayyum, main aapka kaptaan Sheikh oomar al Pyaaza bat kar raha hoon.. (the dumb brick translated his name to english in the first go...) ... vagayrah, vagayrah... Yatra.

Bzz... We have 6 emergency exits as opposed to 2 in other regular planes, 4 have been welded shut, as they were made by ze terroristz to ezcape... (Zoking... guffaws... some one needs to correct his sense of humor)

Bzz... Translation of above in arabic...

Bzz... Lunch would be served, ze menu for the day is goats milk and Minced mule burger with cactus salad, for those of you who feel that Vaseline tastes much better, we do serve Vaseline at extra charge.

Bzz... Translation of above in arabic...

Over and out...
Oopar aur bahar...

.... The Plane Taxis....

.... Ya Allah... and Lift off....

... Praises heard from the cabin...

Soft arabic music in the background... i doze off...

On Board Raslan-Al-Salah-Uhh-Lalah-50

No that is not a Sheikh, neither its my pet camel, its Flight RASUL -50 unabbreviated.

Read on...

Today was a very uneventful day, reason being I was hoping to get some hot chicks on my plane to ogle on and I held hard to my can of Vaseline… (yes I was carrying it in cabin… u don’t risk losing such an important stuff by having it in the check-in baggage, that and I don’t trust the baggage trolley operators in Dubai, you could probably get guns past them but any kind of lube and they tangent off to dnal xac (read R à L )… similar to axe-land but inhabited by female camels.)

My Math:

Empty Plane: 50 seats - one occupied by me = 49 Seats

Assuming 50% female ratio: 25 female passengers (Optimistic me)

Worst case scenario: 10 female passengers (Pessimistic me)

Females in the S-category (@10% of worst case projection) = 1 (I am happy)

A pat on the back …note to self: I would prove to be a great manager… I project numbers well.

Enter the Passengers….

The Plane is now Full of Sheiks, all 49 different variants of them… and none even discreetly resembling a woman (a she goat maybe but none definitely a woman). There were yellow ones, green ones, checked a la Arafat ones, white ones, black ones, and even ones in the color that I couldn’t even make if I mixed all the available colors in ms paint palette.

The Result:

I eat half a can of Vaseline, my analysis based on the data sample from the plane: Half the quantity of Vaseline that I am carrying would suffice a year and half in Dubai.

Recall a pat on the back… note to self: I need to concentrate on the real beautiful males in case I need action in Dubai, and Vaseline is much better than camel meat.

Am waiting for Raslan-Al-Salah-Uhh-Lalah to start some action…

CJ training.

One of the most important prerequisite before traveling to any arabic nation is to learn the art of CJ'ing. One would probably be able to survive without the knowledge of the local language.. (actions speaketh louder than words) but without knowing the art of CJ'ing you are as good as a midget elevator operator in a 300 storied building.

CJing ( or Camel Jockying abbreviated) is an art that helps one drive camels, it also qualifies one to own and probably mate with an appropriate variant.

The subtle art of CJ'ing begins with a very informative session on the types of camels, we were asked to prefer the "Ata allah" variant for pure owning pleasure. (note: For those who are wondering what "Ata allah" is : "The Bedouin name for Camelus dromedarius, the 'one-hump-Suits-all' dromedary, also known as the Arabian camel.") , We were then bombarded with all informative shit about the animal like the ones found on "http://www.arab.net/camels/" now that i look at the page, this was our text book...

The Course also covers the secret mating rituals that exists amongst camels and Sheiks, and we have practicals too.

....Time Passes....

The art of CJ'ing course now draws to a close, the camels look exhausted but none the less pleased to have performed to their fullest extent. The she-camels have a coy look and the he-camels are having a post-coital smoke. Well i am flushed and am going to light a camel and drown a beer.


I am now a proud owner of a "Camelaying" License.

DUBAI... Here i cum.

Of Pleasing camels and milk(ing) Sh(ei)akes

I am selected to pursue my Masters in Business Administration(MBA for short) in a campus in Dubai...

The Prospects are great, Dubai, Hot sand... no water... even hotter burkha clad beauties (well literally) and best of it all "Sheiks on Camels" and "Camels on Sheiks" .... what's there to hate. I am all prepared to embark on this journey with a huge can of vaseline and an even bigger can of beer and to top it all off a financed camel of my very own to woo da women..

Will try to describe my experiences on a day to day basis so that the memories remain fresh forever for me to cherish.


* all of the text in this blog are purely imaginative and bear no resemblences to anyone dead or alive. The sheikh in the passage above and the ones that would soon be following could be replaced with any other nationality for pure reading pleasure... or for that matter u are free to go ahead and replace the camel too with the animal of choice, however the burkha clad beauties remain period.