Code Wars : Episode 1 (The Macro Flasher)

Before I begin to describe my friends, I would like to clarify that every one featured in the blog were asked to respond to a mail with the contents similar to the one below and on receiving a favorable reply they were included in the same.
The mail went somewhat like this

" I am kicking off a new topic in my blog and i need to know ur willingness to be a part of it. please reply back with "I don’t mind... go ahead and s**** me in your blog" in the subject line if you don’t mind being written about or "Why don’t you go to the loo… Pull down your pants and love yourself" as the subject if you do not wish to be written about... “(Contents might have been edited to suit all tastes).

I have received quite a few replies with the first option, so starting off without much ado... the Macro Flasher.

Name: P-earth (also Stars in one of the earlier topics)
Sex: Male
Age: Major (I don’t do minors ;) its against the law)
Height: 5' 10"
Brain:Body Mass = ∞

That is the class of this person... has an infinite brain to Body mass ratio, thanks to his body mass that is nearly equal to nothing.

Strengths: he can walk java, talk Java, laugh Java because Java is a very Funny language.. He is dangerous when he starts to talk java under the influence of kaapi, he also Flash’es (the macromedia variant)

Weaknesses: Apart from lack of physical strength (Aka Brawns ) we (including me) don’t have any weaknesses, subtly put we believe in "Brains better than brawns" and believe that all goons fit in the general Hindi movie goonda variety and are generally Fat and could easily be outrun. (That’s the reason for us maintaining a strict regime)
(Note to self: Write abt P-earth... )

What makes p-earth stand apart is his uncanny sense of inviting the axe to his foot. He unknowingly converts deadlines to unrealistic deadlines (as a matter of fact he corrects unrealistic deadlines of the good variety to the one that is actually bad)

Tech Info: Unrealistic deadlines (ud) come in 3 flavors viz: good, bad and ugly. The good ud is the one in which the time is planned to be in excess of the actual efforts required. the bad ud is one in which one needs to put in the max required work hrs every day for the planned period (in my company 9) and the ugly ud is the one in which ppl need to slog on saturdays and sundays to finish the task in the planned time frame.

In case of P-earth he amazingly convinces and belittles the task which to him (read java guroo) is a mere 5 min, sets the time frame accordingly and coolly quits the project and hands the task to a fresher who reels under ud of the ugly kind.

It’s kinda funny to us since we are not affected by it in any way and also because we are bold enuff to revisit and extend the deadline... poor fresher has no chance. (the fresher usu quits or resorts to medications of the "grass" variant)

With such a huge Brain to BM (body mass) ratio;ideas come naturally to him, java ideas are one thing but what makes the others dread him is that nothing is alien to his brain... he churns ideas in every field by the dozen... he probably has a lot of opposition at the "idea meets" but he generally comes thru and some scapegoat reels under the knife.

On the personal front he eats shoots and leaves (a true vegetarian) who reels at the mention of an egg (he may boast that he has had eggs in the past... he is not lying... actually he remembers his past birth quite vividly all due to the grace of his infinite (B:BM) ) he thrives well on vegetation of any kind, he sleeps well knowing that he has not harmed any living creature.

On a more personal front, he is a guy who writes poems on love but doesn’t accept the fact that someday he might find someone "jo uski dil ki ghanti bajayegi" (had to have this in Hindi for the pure phonetic pleasure).

We used to try convincing him otherwise, but he revealed to us the qualities that he expects his “would be” should possess and we were convinced that he is not going to fall in love for at least the next two births.

For our satisfaction we had an excel sheet filled with the information of prospective single girls and tried to apply P-filter on it: here’s the result. (The sheet originally contained 150 rows of hand picked data)

She must be a girl (ok… we never thought that u were straight) 100 rows selected. (Whoa there were guys in the sheet… I knew I shouldn’t have asked shepherd to fill in the selection)
She must be a Tamilian girl. 50 rows selected.
She must be an Iyer Tamilian girl 30 rows selected.
She must be a vegetarian. 20 rows selected.
She must know to cook South Indian food. 10 rows selected.
She must know to sing Tamil songs. 5 rows selected.
She must know all devotional songs sung by MS Subbalakshmi by heart. 1 row selected.
We were happy that we have found him a match. But we rejected her… reason: she was 80 years old.

What ever I might have written in this blog, one thing is for sure he never gets angry at any of the pranks that we pull on him… and he is only dangerous when he speaks caffeinated Java.

Put your hands together for the Macro Flasher (Macromedia + Flash + Coder).