Friday, May 19, 2006

What he wrote and what he meant...


Hi all,

Hi my dear Friend Smoooch…

I know all of you were expecting this email and maybe some were really hoping for it J Please say it isn’t so… my Shift + 9 is not working so I used shift + 0

Well, your wish has been granted today is my last day at amdocs. Please make me stay… I don’t have a clue how I would be able to satisfy all those camels… they really hurt… esp the male ones….

I am off to pursue my mba and fine tune my highly trained MBA mind ( those of you who have read YABDTDM's(Name changed to protect identity) blog would know what i am talking about ) I am running short of words so I borrow from blog…

Its been a great year and has been wonderful working with all you people. ( i am sure you must be asking yourself right now, when did he actually work?) A figment of truth… a desparate attempt to please jesus… and get a RAC (Read Reservation Against Cancellation and not RACK) in heaven… (note to self… Jesus is not aware of abbreviations )

Its sad that i did not fulfill my wish of feeding P-earth ( Name changed to protect identity) some mutton, i hope one of you will do it for me J ( Censored : Mail Rating : G)

I have made some great friends here whom i would not want to forget. (And some I’d rather… u see I need a lot of empty space in my head…esp the one on top of my shoulders, so I’d do away with the memories of the ones with tight t-shirts… and un-pierced belly buttons… not necessarily in that order….. now that I think of it … that’s just one guy I eliminated… don’t worry … I’ll remember u all )

Pls stay in touch at ( I wanted to use please keep touchin… but remembered that Mail rating : G)

( quite appropriate dont you think!!!) Mail Ids…

Ciao,

Shepherd (Name Changed to protect identity)

Monday, May 15, 2006

Adieu... My bro..

Thats all folks... i myself wasnt expecting the end so soon... but the current work environment is not conducive to blogging and i am expecting at least a 3 months worth of unconducive environments ... sanity included...

None the less.. i would like to wish my very good friend and the subject of this blog so far all the very best for his studies in Dubai..

Will seriously miss u Mate... and in case you manage to save a bit in Dubai... u kno what to do with it...

Wishing u all the best and hoping that the day never comes when we get to see camels scrapping in your Orkut.

Chill and remember... camels are not a good substitute and oww... they do kick hard...

Friday, May 12, 2006

Jumma chumma de de...

...Its jumma day... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx (text edited to suit all tastes) unsuspecting khalayen to be smothered by the chummas of ze great Indian stud... yes that's me.

Now that i check the meaning of the "K" word... i would like to replace the same with Nisa' meaning women. Not that i dont prefer Khalayen, but Nisa' sounds appealing... in a pitching tent sort-a-way.

So i wait for the loud speakers to blare... and as soon it does i head out into the streets with nothing but my flowery shorts and a t-shirt on... i carry a bottle of water, and head off to the nearest chemist to get some lip balm and camel hide con-domes... thats how they are called here...

He charges me 5 dinars for a one pack... on questioning he replies that camel hide CD's could be reused time and again .. all that you need to do is soak it in a can of crude oil overnight and it would be supple and good as new.

I ask him where i would get a can of crude.. he replies... sir... u r sitting on top of the crude oil nation of the world... just dig a hole in your back yard and u would have enuff to recycle con-domes for the entire city...

I leave him and head off towards town...

....entering town....

The town looks deserted except for 2 camels and a few goats humping away to glory...

i move further into the town... it still looks deserted to me... then my refined MBA mind intervenes.. "U idiot... u r in a desert... how else is it supposed to look like?" i register the fact and move on... hoping to nail my debu(t)rkha.

...time passes... its noon and no sign of my premier Nisa'.

I enter a hotel for lunch... The waiter approaches...

I ask him for a menu...
...Following conversation in Hindi since the waiter did not understand english... apologies...

W(waiter): Haan sahab... Kya khidmat karoon aap ki?
M(me): Zara batana kya khaas hain khane mein?
W: Aaj ki khasiyat hain.. OOnt ka maas aur Bakri paneer.
M:Aur shakhahari kya hai...
W: (Guffaws... laughs uncontrollably)
M: Kya hua...
W: Shakhahari... mein sookhe khajoor ka shorba aur kale khajoor ka burfi milegaa..

I order one veg meal... not filling enuff... but i save my shekels and continue on my hunt...

...Its 7 at night now... i dont have the faintest idea why the town is without any activity.. and i am too tired to figure it out any way.... i head back to my shack.. would probably drown a beer ..jack off and call it a day... so much for 5 dinars...

... Jumme ko tod diya chhume ka wada..... a la big B.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Do bhai...

Ahh... what a pain... (a terrible hang over... i pop a pill) and doze off...

..... time passes...

i finally wake up... go thru my scratching ritual... look around...
... dont recollect any thing... my head aches.. must be the hot Turkish delight that i had yesterday.

...still looking around... Brown mud walls... a window... a hallway opening into another room, I hear voices comming from the adjacent room... I gather my strength... well what evers remaining and trudge to the other room.

I enter the room and am greeted with three As-salaam-wal-eikum's.. i do a quick semi string reverse and reply back.. the 3 kifaya clad lads seem amused with my knowledge of urdu... dont blame them for being ignorant... if only they watched more hindi movies... they could have known more urdu vocab themselves.

I head to the hammam... to complete my morning ablutions. My Head still aches... both of them... i dip myself in a tub of cold water and dose off...

I must have relaxed for around 10 min when i am suddenly awakened by a soft nuzzle... i wake up and see 4 camels surrounding me and lapping away to glory.. Disoriented as i was it doesnt take my refined MBA mind to realise that i had accidently taken a bath in the camels water tank. why they have it inside my room i dont really know.( but i would soon realise, my Mth sense tells me).

I walk out to the main hall, one Kifaya clad lad seems to have left, the remianing are drooling all over my semi unclothed body (I was wearing 3 socks... what .. dont judge me.. if it was a scorching 58 degrees in india... they would have made 3 socks a national dress in summer).

I dont like their look ( no the drool doesnt bother me... it just evaporates before touching ground zero), so i wear my flowery shorts... (10 NIS... those were the days) and a vest. The drooling and the steam stops.

I get my self formally introduced, they introduce themselves as brothers , Ziyad and Tamir.. and wink at me. Tamir adds "in case you look up the meaning of my name... i would like you to know i am carrying mine" and winks again.

I check back later for the meaning of their names at http://www.ummah.net/family/masc.html
Ziyad : Super Abundance
Tamir : One who owns date palm tree... ("i am carrying mine" echoes all over my mind...)

I rush to the nearest blacksmith and customise a steel unmentionable... head over to the nearest lock smith and get a lazer cut key and a lock, i burn my socks and check out of the hostel to the nearest hotel... lest Z and T harm my anmol ratans.

My Mth sense was wrong this time as it always was... i dont have a clue what the camels were doing inside the room. But i am here to spend my next 6 months... would probably figure out in due course. I am sore... and the steel unmentionable is not helping.

Will continue later....

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Ain Alhamaam ?

I reach the central terminal hall,

and am suddenly urged by natures call;

I start to tread with the pressure building on...

Just hoping in time, I would locate Sir John.


The airports full of Arabic scriptures,

When they very well could have used pictures,

Finally I locate my very own…

Dubai Al burj’s the “Golden Throne”


My pants come off, I am commando,

I look at the mirror and do a little tango,

I reposition cautiously once again…

And let all go…Amen.


I am now done with my deed,

Back up my legs my pants recede,

I walk back out with a relieved face,

And a very happy thankful base.


I head out into the open, my chauffeurs here,

Holding in his hand a golden beer,

I run and plant him with a kiss,

Drown the golden fluid…life’s such bliss.


I enter the car, all happy and light,

And seated in is (Mamma mia) a Turkish delight.

I don’t know if I’d continue this blah,

Cause my “harnois” is defying Newton’s Law.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Oye.. She's...

The Plane jerks... (t'was full of them )

I wake up and stretch half across my seat, give myself a good scratch... nothing feels good like a good ol' scratch on your good ol' object with a spherical shape (wanted to keep my Blog rating: G)

i look around and the air hostess is giving me a nasty under the boorkha look, i make out from her eyes that she would be probably 23, with vital statistics of 24-32-24 probably 5'6'' fair and would make for a good ol ride for my good as new tool (Rated : G).

You must be wondering how am i able to deduce all this impeccable information, the fact is i have been enjoying the company of an MBA colleague for quite some time now, and apart from the regular enjoyment that i regularly enjoy, i also make it a point to read a book with a post coital cigar, that way u "discover" while u "re-cover".

i press the knob on top of my seat and she approaches eyeing me with caution, i guess it must have been the tent and the drool that had given my intentions away. None the less she approaches and addresses me for my demand.

Knull... Knull... my mind screams... but i fight all desires and demand for a mug of beer.

Tauba..Tauba.. sirjee we dont deal drinks over the plane and hard drinks are prohibited in the holy land of dubai... they de-capitate u if they find you indulging in any kind of hard drink, or drinks/solids that induce hardness. So please if you would fold down ur tent and wipe off the drool , ill be off.

I am wide awake now, (tent unpitched) my mind races in all directions only to find mirages of beer bottles with holes, who in their right senses would bother wasting ALCOHOL.

As one of my friends used to say, we should be worshipping Al'cohol , this is the binding fluid that makes friends out of foes and helps you find out your true identity, it can be hurting the first time your friend loves you, but after you realise your true happiness its just another pain in the Posterior. (Rated: G)

So i figure out that this chick of the plane knows nothing about the rules that the men make and follow and she probably has been brought up in a very conservative family, my highly trained MBA mind helps me deduce stuff out of the blue.

She passes and i wink, she gives me a smile, a coy sweet one, i am engaged (Rated: G)

She motions me to the airline restroom, and enters it, i look around ...steamy... most of the sheiks are busy dreaming about their dromedaries, or their goats.. i am not judging.. i gently lift my can of vaseline, the time has finally come for it to be used the way it was meant to be. without a noise i enter the RR.

....Silence.... darkness.....

i feel around... there she is... aah.. her...... nopes its just the throne... i look around feeling the wall for a light switch... i find one and switch on the lights.


.....I SCREAM.... on top of my voice.... blood curdling in my veins... I gather my treasure my bottle of vaseline... and rush to my seat where all the sheiks are now as disoriented as me , and the pilot has woken up and is negotiating the directions for landing amidst a desert.

My hartbeat races to 190...

Bzz.. ladies and ghuntleman, we are now reaching dubai al burj we shall be landing shortly provided the landing gears come out (guffaws....)

i lighten up... perspiration weilding over my scared face... i keep looking at the RR, it opens and 2 pairs of green eyes look towards me, i look down.

Ping... the fasten seatbelt sign lights up...

The plane lands with all the jerks...

I run out at the first oppurtunity ... gasping for fresh air.

I recollect all of my deductions that my finely trained MBA mind has made during the flight and i only realise this, there are exceptions to be handled everywhere and freaks come in all shapes and sizes.

and Pictures do speak louder than words...


My Variant of the hostess...

http://www.themakeupgallery.info/weird/beard/dw.htm


Monday, May 08, 2006

RASwoooooooooosh...

The pilots are in, the overhead speaker crackles...

Bzz... Ladeeez und ghuntleman, deez eez ur captain sheikh Age old onion espeaking (i did not get it the first time either) U are aborad Raslan50, Ze weatheeer is Fine and we will be reaching dubaai Al burj in aproximately 4 hrs minimum from now, provided zere are no terrorists in the plane and both engines remain functional throughout the flight (followed by guffaws, sadistic ediot, almost sent my bp to 200) , May Allah and Mohammad (PBUH) be with all of us during ze journey.

Bzz... Khalayen aur Khayyum, main aapka kaptaan Sheikh oomar al Pyaaza bat kar raha hoon.. (the dumb brick translated his name to english in the first go...) ... vagayrah, vagayrah... Yatra.

Bzz... We have 6 emergency exits as opposed to 2 in other regular planes, 4 have been welded shut, as they were made by ze terroristz to ezcape... (Zoking... guffaws... some one needs to correct his sense of humor)

Bzz... Translation of above in arabic...

Bzz... Lunch would be served, ze menu for the day is goats milk and Minced mule burger with cactus salad, for those of you who feel that Vaseline tastes much better, we do serve Vaseline at extra charge.

Bzz... Translation of above in arabic...

Over and out...
Oopar aur bahar...

.... The Plane Taxis....

.... Ya Allah... and Lift off....

... Praises heard from the cabin...

Soft arabic music in the background... i doze off...



Sunday, May 07, 2006

On Board Raslan-Al-Salah-Uhh-Lalah-50

No that is not a Sheikh, neither its my pet camel, its Flight RASUL -50 unabbreviated.

Read on...

Today was a very uneventful day, reason being I was hoping to get some hot chicks on my plane to ogle on and I held hard to my can of Vaseline… (yes I was carrying it in cabin… u don’t risk losing such an important stuff by having it in the check-in baggage, that and I don’t trust the baggage trolley operators in Dubai, you could probably get guns past them but any kind of lube and they tangent off to dnal xac (read R à L )… similar to axe-land but inhabited by female camels.)

My Math:


Empty Plane: 50 seats - one occupied by me = 49 Seats

Assuming 50% female ratio: 25 female passengers (Optimistic me)

Worst case scenario: 10 female passengers (Pessimistic me)

Females in the S-category (@10% of worst case projection) = 1 (I am happy)

A pat on the back …note to self: I would prove to be a great manager… I project numbers well.


Enter the Passengers….


The Plane is now Full of Sheiks, all 49 different variants of them… and none even discreetly resembling a woman (a she goat maybe but none definitely a woman). There were yellow ones, green ones, checked a la Arafat ones, white ones, black ones, and even ones in the color that I couldn’t even make if I mixed all the available colors in ms paint palette.

The Result:

I eat half a can of Vaseline, my analysis based on the data sample from the plane: Half the quantity of Vaseline that I am carrying would suffice a year and half in Dubai.

Recall a pat on the back… note to self: I need to concentrate on the real beautiful males in case I need action in Dubai, and Vaseline is much better than camel meat.


Am waiting for Raslan-Al-Salah-Uhh-Lalah to start some action…

Friday, May 05, 2006

CJ training.

One of the most important prerequisite before traveling to any arabic nation is to learn the art of CJ'ing. One would probably be able to survive without the knowledge of the local language.. (actions speaketh louder than words) but without knowing the art of CJ'ing you are as good as a midget elevator operator in a 300 storied building.

CJing ( or Camel Jockying abbreviated) is an art that helps one drive camels, it also qualifies one to own and probably mate with an appropriate variant.

The subtle art of CJ'ing begins with a very informative session on the types of camels, we were asked to prefer the "Ata allah" variant for pure owning pleasure. (note: For those who are wondering what "Ata allah" is : "The Bedouin name for Camelus dromedarius, the 'one-hump-Suits-all' dromedary, also known as the Arabian camel.") , We were then bombarded with all informative shit about the animal like the ones found on "http://www.arab.net/camels/" now that i look at the page, this was our text book...

The Course also covers the secret mating rituals that exists amongst camels and Sheiks, and we have practicals too.

....Time Passes....

The art of CJ'ing course now draws to a close, the camels look exhausted but none the less pleased to have performed to their fullest extent. The she-camels have a coy look and the he-camels are having a post-coital smoke. Well i am flushed and am going to light a camel and drown a beer.


I am now a proud owner of a "Camelaying" License.

DUBAI... Here i cum.

Of Pleasing camels and milk(ing) Sh(ei)akes

I am selected to pursue my Masters in Business Administration(MBA for short) in a campus in Dubai...

The Prospects are great, Dubai, Hot sand... no water... even hotter burkha clad beauties (well literally) and best of it all "Sheiks on Camels" and "Camels on Sheiks" .... what's there to hate. I am all prepared to embark on this journey with a huge can of vaseline and an even bigger can of beer and to top it all off a financed camel of my very own to woo da women..

Will try to describe my experiences on a day to day basis so that the memories remain fresh forever for me to cherish.


* all of the text in this blog are purely imaginative and bear no resemblences to anyone dead or alive. The sheikh in the passage above and the ones that would soon be following could be replaced with any other nationality for pure reading pleasure... or for that matter u are free to go ahead and replace the camel too with the animal of choice, however the burkha clad beauties remain period.